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gentle nudges and trying to stay on the path

looking at my archives and seeing how much i’ve posted recently it kind of looks like i might’ve broken through whatever was blocking me the past 6 or so months. and writing again is kind of a relief. it feels good. its also interesting that this breakthrough is occuring right around the same time that my second attempt to do a phd was foiled.

i applied on a whim bc i was restless and bored with my job. this is still true, but its easier to deal with when i’m at least writing, since that gives me something to do. or rather, especially after being rejected by academia (again) it reminds me that i was put on a particular path by my ancestors and, um, i should stick on it unless i want my life to catastrophically fall apart again.

at least this time it was a gentle nudge. while i would’ve enjoyed doing that research, this rejection isn’t the crushing blow it was to me seven years ago. then, i got super depressed. now? i felt momentarily disappointed and haven’t actually thought about it between then and now.

although. i do have to say, that i’m not sure what ‘writing’ means to me at the moment. or what it means for my to be a ‘writer’. when i first realized this is where i was supposed to be, i had a clearer idea of what that meant and what i was supposed to do. now…. i’m not so sure. guess i should find out.

my fiance did suggest that i reapply to do phd again next year, but i won’t. that’s the last time for me. i can take a hint, lol.