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LIS Mental Health Week - i'm still a fucking mess

It’s LIS mental health week again! And I’ve decided to make another post about mental health and all of that. Last year was kind of a bleak description of how I had a breakdown in my undergrad and how I’m barely surviving.

Things are… somewhat better this year. Or something. My meds are doing their job and I don’t think about dying all that much these days. So that’s good.

I am, however, still and truly burned out. Perhaps even more burned out than last year. I’m sure people following this blog have noticed that I haven’t been posting all that much since September. Up until that point, for 12 months prior, I had been blogging with a fair amount of frequency. If you recall, that was around the time I really started working on supplementing my income via writing.

So. The plan was: focus on writing and blogging. Ultimately, I probably should still be working on my books and such, but I haven’t touched them in a long while. I’m thinking of posting some parts bc I’m not sure when, if ever, they’ll actually become finished. But I still want to share what I’ve already written.

Its funny. There is a reason why, I think, I finally went over the edge and become the useless lump I currently am. I went to visit my nibling in Vancouver. And… certain things about that trip ended up triggering a bunch of shit for me. It took me about a month after that to stop wanting to kill myself. In a very real way, I haven’t recovered from that experience. Pretty sure it was the straw and now I’m broken.

(well, ok, more broken)

I’ve managed to become even more isolated and withdrawn than I’ve been. I haven’t logged into tumblr in a long while. I’m on twitter still… but I don’t engage that much. I’m not answering personal emails. I haven’t seen two close friends of mine in a long time. This probably isn’t very healthy for me but I just can’t bring myself to break out of this isolation. It’s still more comforting than not.

Can’t focus. Trouble concentrating.

Pretty sure that I didn’t start this post with any real notion where I wanted to go with it. My brain’s a mess right now.

I do believe that with my meds my depression and anxiety is largely managed. I remember what it was like being without and how that felt. As such, I don’t know why I’m about as functional right now as I was just afte wer settled the case and I was going off of all my psych meds. Other than work, though, since I’m somewhat more productive at work now than I was back then.

Why am I even writing this post? There’s no point to it. And I’m not saying anything I haven’t already said.