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cutting my nose

Yesterday’s post kind of messed my head up. Which is great and all because part of what I was saying in the post is that I don’t really have the time or space to get messed up.

Then again… It’s important for me to remember that despite being decently medicated (although I’m going to need to do something about my rising levels of anxiety), I’m still – in fact – depressed. So… yeah. Its not hard at all to tip my mood into the depths of despair. Usually brought about if I reflect too deeply about my life.

That post was a great example of the sort of processing I generally avoid because I don’t have the ability to actually address anything in it. There’s nothing I can do but keep going until I can’t. No idea what that point is. Idk. Hopefully if things all fall apart instead of dying I’ll just have another psychotic break.

Lmao. That’s my lesser evil here (its what happened the last time when I pushed myself well beyond my limits).

I guess its back to pretending like everything is okay and like I don’t want to die all the time. And, um, spending a ridiculous amount of time laying around in bed. Guess I’m glad that I just found another good source for audiobooks.

The whole… replacing smoking with excessive eating thing is particularly messinig up my head. Like… both are bad habits that are detrimental to my health. But idk what to do about that. Honest to god, its making me think about smoking again bc then maybe I might lose some weight or something. Or at least stop eating so much.

(Knowing my luck though, I’d end up smoking again and overeating. :)\n