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i did want to spend a moment describing what it was like being ace before asexuality was the robust...

i did want to spend a moment describing what it was like being ace before asexuality was the robust identity it is today.

  • at least 2/3 of my sexual partners were people i had no desire to have sex with, but did anyway for a variety of reasons.
  • i felt pressured or coerced into having sex not only by specific partners but bc of the general expectation that asian femmes should always be sexually available to white men
  • i spent years wondering if there was something wrong with myself physically or mentally bc i didn”t desire sex
  • i occassionally joked about being asexual but it never occurred to me that it was a real option
  • for other reasons as well, it never occurred to me that i was allowed to say ‘no” to sex. or to only have it when i actually wanted to.
  • to this day i can”t actually coherently understand which of my experiences were unenthusiastic consent and which ones were assault.
  • i still can”t quite separate out physical intimacy with sex itself. i can almost… but not quite.
  • i hurt myself a lot.

all of this to say… i actually do understand ace issues. i”ve struggled with them for years. i still don”t ID as asexual and i never will. just as much as i know that the ace community, as a whole, doesn”t have room for me (whereas the aces of colour i”ve met and know? generally awesome).