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of all my regrets

this story i”m currently listening to is, in part, about this self hating gay cis d00d who has an experience of seeing false memories of a life where he is straight.

and this is a fundamental thing i just don”t get.

don”t get me wrong

i do wish many things in my life were easier.

i wish that i didn”t have to deal with transmisogynist microaggressios like i experienced today at work

the ones that remind me that i”m not safe in public and that even in the ~staff only~ washrooms, i”d best stick to the only gender neutral washroom. which often leads me to holding it in far longer than is actually comfortable.

does this mean i wish i was cis?

no.

it makes me wish that my desire to see transmisogyny and binarism reduced to rubble could be realized sometime in the next five minutes

when i was trying to pull off the cis gay thing, i never wished that i were straigh.

i did wish that society would let me be as free as i felt.

with all the racism and white supremacy i”ve experienced

i never once ever wanted to be white

(and, lol, i”m mestisa, so i”m already half white and that is more than enough as far as i”m concerned.)

instead, i want to dismantle white supremacy. this can also be ashes.

the thing is…

is that while this stuff is difficult

it is not nearly as fruitless a desire as the people who”ve internalized their oppression

the desire to maybe become what oppresses as a means to escape oppression.

maybe ur life would be easier

but it wouldn”t be better</p>