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conflicts of personality

something i wish had more space within various communities, particular the activist spaces i’ve seen and whatever, is simple discussions for navigating conflicts of personality.

because there often seems to be only two modes: either ppl like each other, or they are calling out/ostracizing someone for being oppressive and/or abusive.

now, this isn’t to say that the call outs are wrong. not at all.

it is just that i want a middle space between liking and getting along with a particular person and calling them out for oppressive and/or abusive behaviour

there seems to be this underlying notion that in order to be a ‘community’ everyone has to like everyone, else we must have a compelling reason to not like them.

why is this?

how is it so difficult for a person to say “i don’t like x because they annoy me” or whatever, without it having to be this big dramatic thing?

why can we not say: “i find the way y communicates really overwhelming and i have trouble understanding them” without it being a indictment agains their moral and personal character?1

perhaps one of the biggest problems i see is that there doesn’t seem to be a lot of room to draw simple boundaries like this. room for me to say “i find this person abrassive and do not wish to associate with them”.

it makes me wonder how many of us continue to interact with someone we don’t necessarily like or whose company we don’t actually enjoy because you either like them or else you must have a compelling reason to dislike them and maybe convince other ppl to not like them either.

i know i spent far too long interact with good ppl who have the unfortunate situation to have some behaviours that trigger me because of my past but they aren’t actually being abusive, even if they call up and remind me of my history of abuse. ultimately, this sort of thing is about me and wanting to talk steps for my own comfort and peace of mind. not about them or what they do.

and, for some, how many times have i been asked to justify why i don’t like a specific person? too many fucking times. we are always asked to justify why we don’t like a person (or maybe why we like a person other ppl detest). but if it isn’t about abuse or oppressive behaviour, i don’t actually need to justify/explain my reasons for not liking/spending time with a specific individual.

because i am allowed to draw my own boundaries. i am allowed to associate and be friends with whomever i want.

and i don’t owe anyone an explanation.

  • and i don't mean raising this shit in some passive aggressive way that i've seen from some ppl that when there is a big kerfluffle and ppl are either attacking or defending a specific person and some of the defenders will be like "i don't like person z but i don't think they should be threatened". this is an asshole move. if u r supporting someone, support them and save the interpersonal shit for another time.  </fn></footnotes>