i know i'm broken
December 14, 2013
on the topic of this post on broken ppl and getting mad at ‘whole” ppl…
while, yeah, i guess i”m pretty sure i”m missing something about the post because, idk, i”ve seen a bunch of ppl reblogging it.
what does it mean to be ‘whole”? to be ‘broken”?
like, within this dichotomy, i”m definitely broken. was broken a long time ago. have spent most of my adult life trying to mend and heal. but i only have so much time what with all trying to survive and, unfortunately, obtaining new wounds.
i have to triage. to figure out what is feasible to mend and what absolutely needs to be mended if i”m going to continue surviving.
getting beyond this. beyond survival, to a place maybe where i could actually conceivably see some sort of end, a place where i”m ‘whole” enough… idk… on my worst days, i think that this is impossible. that i”ll always be broken.
and. if i get to a place of wholeness, i”ll still be like this plate
maybe repaired and ‘fixed” but it is still self-apparent that it was once broken. for good or ill, this is my reality.
it has taken me a long time to get past the shame of this. stuff like that post makes me feel shame again.
the thing is…
i wasn”t the one who broke me, even i”m left with the hard working of mending.
most days, i”m fucking glad (when i meet them) that there are people who are whole. i don”t want anyone to be broken, ever. i want to live in and create a world wherein the act of breaking someone would be viewed as the monstrous act it is.
some days, i”m not. i”m bitter. jealous. envious. resentful. i try not to dwell or stay in these emotions (they feel poisonous to me). maybe they”re part of why i”m broken. or because i”m broken.
maybe it is because i”m a petty petty princex.
but shit like this? is the kind of thing that places me in that bitter, resentful place. because fuck you.