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vagaries of the past

yesterday i was called out for using something homophobic – and rightly so

I really should have known better too. I mean… while it may be the case that I didn’t realize this particular phrase was homophobic, i should have known from the source…

my old room-mate.

i lived with a cishet white d00d for 4-5 years. we were friends for over 10.

in so many different ways, this was a horrible relationship for me. today he stands as one of the literal embodiments of everything I resist.

he is whom i learned everything a person needs to know about ironic hipster oppression.

he actually called me, continuously for years a slanty eyed chinaman (or bastard).

he is a self-confessed misogynist

he is a self-confessed racist

he is transmisogynist (it was largely at his encouragement that i stopped presenting as femme)

he is homophobic

he is abusive

a lot of the times, I knew he was wrong (but not always, and not about everything: i mean… i entirely changed my gender presentation. so yeah. i got fucked).

he destroyed my self-esteem (well, what little i had leftover from childhood – not much to speak of, really)

it will take me years to recover and heal from that relationship

(in the meantime, though, i need to remember to never repeat anything he said. ever.)