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a small reflection on something that makes me sad and

So. This post by Riley they discuss the difficulties of expressing stuff about gender and sexuality because of all the racism they have to deal with this.

This is something that makes me furious. It has taken me almost 30 years to even begin to start grappling with my own gender stuff because I was too busy surviving in a racist world. Too busy struggling with life to even really have time to ponder my gender in any meaningful way.

(even as my life was impacted – negatively – by dysphoria)

Too busy dealing trying to fit into communities that didn’t want me. Too busy trying to live in my designated gender role. Too. Damn. Busy.

Pushing past all the racism is hard. Hard to see and know what your own gender and sexuality is beyond racism/colonization.

Makes me sad. And so furious. Because we also get tons of shit for not knowing this right away. For not being out.

Yes. This all takes everyone time and life is a journey.

But what is making me angry right now is how fucking late I’m starting this journey. It makes me mad because I’m already so tired. And the thought of having to deal with the gender stuff is *exhausting*. Just the thought. Much less actually doing it.

(And, yeah, it does not escape me that being as light skinned as I am makes the above not as bad for me. My anger and sorrow are for the stories I’ve read tonight. For all the wonderful, complex people I see everyday on tumblr who rarely get the opportunity to express and share that complexity because of the constant racism and the need to establish the very basic point that they are human. Forget complex.)